(The crowd are excited for the first ever tDDD, and have come from miles around to see it or got tricked by the sign saying free Malaysian cuisine out front. The camera focuses on the Doc, Sheesh Kebab and an unknown commentator.)
Ladies and gents, I welcome you here to the first ever Doc's Defiant Degenerates. This is going to be the most spectcular card ever seen here in the Facical Confederacy of Gimmick Wrestlers for quite some time. You all know my friend Sheesh Kebab, welcome Sheesh!
I am vedy pleased to be here, Doc, vedy pleased indeed.
And I'd like to introduce to you guys tonight, "Speedy" Tom Aardvark, the late Joe's younger brother.
Th-th-thanks Doc. This is a w-wonderful card we have, th-this evening.
Yes Tom, that's right. First up we have the debut of Back Stabber against Jobber Wayne. Then we have a tag match between the West Islanders and the Jobbin' Duo in a top contenders match. The Mighty Ice Cream Guy makes an appearance after challenging Munchy Man for his contending position. Then we see the Man and Abe fight it out before Alex Wood defends his title against President Kowalski and TBK in the cage!
W-w-w-w-wow D-Doc, it does sound good, h-huh?
It sure does, I understand that you've done a bit of research on Back Stabber Speedy. Tell us about him.
W-w-well, he is a big M-Monica Seles fan, and he can't st-stand p-people getting stabbed in the b-b-back, so he going to get e-everyone back for stabbing him in the b-b-back, and Monica.
Vedy interesting man, interesting is quite a understatement don't you tink?
I sure do, but that's the way the FCoGW goes as we go down to Jesse Springer for match one.
This match is set for one fall, submission only, no pins. Entering the ring first, representing the Doc's Elite Jobbers, weighing in at 198 lbs, Jobber Wayne! ("The Man Who Shot Liberty Vallance" by Regurgitator plays as the cowboy jobber enters to a reasonable pop, shooting toy guns at the crowd.)
And making his first appearance in the FCoGW, from Las Vegas, weighing 410 pounds, Back Stabber! ("Red Right Hand" by Nick Cave plays as a man in a silver mask, black leather bodysuit and black cape with flames on it drops down from the rafters with a wooden mallet. Good pop, he's debuting, of course he gets a good pop!)
DING! DING!
Th-the-th-th-they.....
Oh spit it out!
I-I-I-I'm tryin'. St-Stabber throws out J-J-Jobber like a p-p-piece of trash.
Jobber re-enters the ring to be hit in the head by a massive boot, he drops, elbowdrop from Back Stabber.
Back Stabber clearly has dee advantage on dis opponent.
Powerslam from Back Stabber, he follows it up with another. He climbs the turnbuckle...
F-f-flying dropkick f-f-from the top turnbuckle.
Jobber is more worse off with Back Stabber den Ghandi was with dee British!
Back Stabber slaps on a scorpion deathlock and Jobber taps out.
Here's your winner, Back Stabber!
That was a little quick, but what do you expect, he's a jobber, and that's why he's here!
No offence Doc, but he need to be a little more competitive!
What the heck would you know you dumb curry-muncher, I should kick your ass into the sweat shops if you don't shut your damn trap!
C-c-cool it Doc, we've g-g-got the next match soon.
That's right, we've got the competition to see who's the top contender for belsts up now. West Islanders and the Jobbin' Duo.
This is set for one-fall. At a combined weight of 785 pounds, accompanied by Raoul the Pineapple, the West Islanders! ("Got the Life" by Korn plays as the two islanders come out with that stupid pineapple. Harvey holds it up proudly. Big, big pop.)
Representing the Elite Jobbers, the weight combination of 621 pounds, the Jobbin' Duo! ("Teddy Bear Picnic" as a big and a little man come out in their pyjamas. They look half asleep, big heat.)
DING! DING!
Harry and J1 start out, and Harry with the sidewalk slam. Rolls him up, 1..2..kickout! Ambitious there.
H-Harry with the b-b-bridging back s-suplex.
Dee execution of dat suplex was vedy nice as we see J1 struggling to stand already.
J1 crawling to the corner but is confronted by Harry who picks him up for a double underhook suplex, and wham! goes the sorry carcass of J1!
Harvey enters dee ring and day both trow J1 at dee ropes, double clothesline and he swings sround and around!
Th-th-that is m-making me d-d-d-d-dizzy!
Oh good golly. If you don't hurry it up we be here all night long.
Shut your p-p-punk ass up!
Harry hits him with a forearm smash then a few stomps to boot!
J1 had better t-tag soon, or th-th-this is over.
It may be vedy over in a minute! J1 is lucky to be in dat ring with Harry.
The sweatshops are lookin' good for you. There's room for one more illegal immigrant.
Oh my. No trouble for Sheesh to shut-up.
H-hiptoss by H-Harry and he c-c-climbs the turnbuckle, f-f-flying elbowdrop and J1 is out of contention h-h-here!
The mammoth J2 steps over and is confronted by the referee, but he choke slams the ref and goes for Harry!
Th-th-the ref is out c-c-cold! He c-can't be alive!
Is he breathing or did his back break and he compulsing?
He is breathing dammit, as Harvey joins the party. Harry and Harvey attack J2 but he grabs them both and makes their heads collide!
Dee third crack I heard here in dee FCoGW, the first two were Lucy Lawless's whip! Was that pleasurable or what?
I don't want to think about Indians being whipped again. Harry looks groggy, J2 rolls Harvey out of the ring. Working on Harry now, sets him up for the superplex, and there it is.
H-Harry is more d-d-d-dazed then a hippy in th-th-the sixties!
Were your parents doing drugs during dee pregancy of you?
Y-y-yeah. So?
Can't Sheesh wonder? Does dat ever explain everything!
The ref starts coming to, J2 nails Hawaiian Harry with a spinebuster slam and drags the knocked out J1 over the body of Harry.
Ref sees, 1...2...3!
Here are your winners, the Jobbin' Duo!
What a terrific win for my stable!
Before I talked about too little comp, now too much, what's going on?
Look, I can have a real tag team in my stable can't I, or is that against the rules?
I don't know Doc, shall we go on?
Let's, Speedy, what about the Mighty Ice Cream Man?
I-I-I c-couldn't ask him a q-q-question, he just put an ice cream in my face, an-an-and it hurt!
How could an ice cream hurt?
I g-g-get ice cream h-h-headaches!
Logical, I think. We go down to Jesse.
This is a top contenders match set for one bleed. From Jefferson City, Missourri, weighing a mere 296 pounds, Munchy Man! ("Personality" plays as Munchy Man walks down the runway swearing worse than anything anybody has ever heard before. He hits some guy over the head with a chair. He gets a bit of heat.)
In his debut, weighing 202 pounds, from somewhere in Alaska, accompanied by Icy the Ice Cream Cone, the Mighty Ice Cream Guy! ("Pop goes the Weasel" plays the way you hear it come from an ice cream truck. Everyone searches the pockets for change. A man dresssed in an old style ice cream man uniform walks out throwing ice creams at the crowd. He too gets heat, more than Munchy Man, this can't be right?)
DING! DING!
This boy has got attitude, and he shows it right away with a double axehandle chop over the head of Munchy Man. He drops, stomp, stomp, stomp!
H-he seems to b-b-be very confused, b-but he has control h-h-h-here.
Damn right he does over this Jerbronie, Munchy Man. As the Mighty Ice Cream Guy slips on a front facelock, they break up and there's a Russian legsweep.
Munchy Man need to use dee advantage he has, or start wrestling. Dis is one bad ice cream guy. Maybe dee milk has curdled?
Ice Cream Guy with a figure four leglock now, Munchy Man screaming out, and we here "Loser" by Beck as Munchy Man's pompous partner walks down ringside. Icy giving him an icy stare, TBK's seems to be icier though!
D-damn straight it's i-i-i-icier, TBK is one p-p-pompous puppy! And he n-never backs down.
As we saw here on Fridee last Friday, he took on Sitcom Sam and Alex Wood himself to keep those titles. Munchy Man on the come back with a backdrop driver.
TBK pulls off th-th-th-the Mighty one and M-Munchy Man gets up, he hits the Mighty Ice Cream Guy with a DDT. TBK ad-advances on Icy, there's the intention, I-I-Icy is out c-c-c-cold!
TMICG sees dis and decides dat titles are important and not dee managers.
Munchy Man sees it'll take a lot more to win, he slaps on a full nelson but the Mighty Ice Cream Guy wriggles out to hit Munchy Man with a short clothesline.
Munchy Man drops and dee pin from TMICG, 1...2shoulder up!
The Mighty Ice Cream Guy with the Tiger suplex, rolls up Munchy Man, 1...2...th-kickout! Ice Cream Guy complaining to the ref. TBK from behind with a forearm smash. Down goes the Mighty one, inside cardle by Munchy Man, 1...2...Icy saves him with that lead cone. Icy conscious may be a factor in this match.
I thought dat was dee end of dis match den!
I p-prefer cones t-t-to be silicone, not lead!
We all prefer siliconne cones to lead ones, as Munchy Man hits the Mighty Ice Cream Guy with a low blow. The Alaskan on his knees and headbutts MM in the tackle! Both men holding their groins. Disgusting sight if I do say so myself!
This reminds m-m-m-me of a Michael J-J-J-Jackson concert.
Dee most deesgusting sight I seened was Big Pimp Daddy fondling his genitals and dee crowd cheering!
The Mighty one up first, slips on a armbar submission, and that natural position has never hurt so much! Munchy Man's leg links the ropes after a little help from the Kid. Ice Cream Guy in control whips him into the turnbuckle and runs in with the shoulder.
Th-th-that sh-shoulder hits diresctly in the n-n-nose of MM.
If datdoesn't clear dee sinuses nothing will!
Munchy Man on another planet at this stage, and the Mighty Ice Cream Guy gets the lead cone off Icy! And wham on Munchy Man's head, there's the cover! 1...2...3!
Here's your winner, the Mighty Ice Cream Guy!
I know for certain that damn loser Munchy Man won't like losing his contendership, he'd be back next time harder than ever I'd say.
Dat seems correct, but he seem to lack some desperation.
I don't know why we've got cruiserweights on our heavyweight belt contendership list and heavyweights on our cruiserweight belt contendership list. That'll all change after a while, you'll see. But it shouldn't matter in the course of matches really.
I ob-object D-Doc, who wants t-t-t-to see some p-puny little guy t-t-take on some huge t-tank?
The audience want to see that, they want blood, like your late brother.
In fact, a minute silence for "Diamond" Joe Aardvark please.
How long it been now?
Three s-seconds.
That should do it, we now have our next match.
This is set for one-fall. From New York, New York, representing D-Vine Intervention, the Man! ("The Move" by the Beastie Boys plays as the crowd goes mad. The Man feels some chick up and her boyfriend cheers.)
And Pahoa, Hawaii, weighing 347 pounds and representing Hawaii Five-O, Abe! ("Pure Massacre" plays as the angry islander walks down the runway. He gets heat from the crowd, he doesn't care about their opnions, their Americans.)
DING! DING!
Abe has a lot to prove about his worth here in the FCoGW, so he'll be all guns blazing. As the big islander hits the Man with a football tackle. Picks up the Man and powerslam! And we now hear Purple Haze ring out, a bit of a cheer as bLaCk KnIgHt walks out, he seems angry!
You would too if you got robbed dee title!
Damn straight I would, wouldn't you?
Yes.
He wasn't robbed, the best wrestler got what he deserves anyway, as bK enters and hits the Man with the Excalibur piledriver, and another Excalibur, and another Excalibur. And there's the bell!
Your winner as a result of disqualification, the Man!
Abe isn't happy, he shoves bK. bK shoves him back. Abe hits him with a roundhouse right and thena swinging neckbreaker.
H-h-he's angrier than p-pensioners w-w-w-with me calling their b-b-bingo games!
bK will be sorrier than a chicken dat lays square eggs!
Bouncing from rope to rope, bK stands up and Abe nails him with the John Wilkes Booth, a slingshot headbutt to the sternum!
Dat is impressive, and dee Man is still out cold. Day are battling all dee way out to dee locker rooms.
W-w-well, I cannot say h-how shocked I am for th-th-that to happen, I'm sh-sh-sh-sh-sh.....
Spit out lad, vedy impatient with you stuttering!
That's i-i-it, at the May 6 PPV, I'm taking you on, I'm s-s-s-sick of y-y-you immigrants p-picking on us damn v-v-victims, h-have you heard your v-v-v-voice? I'd b-be shutin' my m-mouth if I was you! And the l-l-loser quits FCoGW! Seeyas! ("Speedy" Tom leaves angrily as the Doc Sheesh look at each other confused.)
What just happened den?
I'll be damned if I know! We now go to the match that has been brought forward from FCoGW Fridee 6 for the FCoGW Alliance Hero belt.
In the cage tonight will be three competitors, all competing for the FCoGW Alliance Hero title. First in is the big Budapest President weighing a bulk of 468 pounds, representing D-Vine Intervention, President Kowalski! (His stupid half American/half Romanian tune rings out as he waddles down to the cage. Great pop.)
Second in from Detroit, Michigan, the haughty assaulter, weighing 213 pounds, the Bullseye Kid! ("Loser" by Beck plays as TBK walks down giving Pres K an icy stare. A bit of heat.)
And from Los Angeles, the current Facical Confederacy of Gimmick Wrestlers Alliance Hero title holder, weighing 314 pounds, Alex Wood! ("F@#k the Police" plays as Alex Wood strolls down with the belt around his waist. He storms into the cage, leaving the belt ooutside the cage.)
DING! DING!
We're down a commentator and we call upon Jean-Pierre to come down to the table.
Allo, allo, how are you all doin?
Quite well, we see Alex Wood and President Kowalski lock up as Al hits Pres K with a kick to the midsection.
Prezident Kowalski leaves himzelf open for zee Woodpecker, and zere it iz too!
President Kowalski is out of this now, Alex Wood charges at TBK, but is met with a boot from the Kid. "Enter Sandman" plays as the crowd all watch the runway for Vlad the Impaler. He's nowhere to be seen, surely this is a mistake!
Look in dee ring, Vlad it tying a spike to dee top right turnbuckle. Dee Kid sees him and gives Alex dee intention to save his own hide, but Vlad's after Pres K, not dem.
What is he doing, he throws the unconsciuos carcass of President Kowalski onto the spike. And yuck!
I sink I'm going to be sick! (Jean-Pierre runs off to the locker room and returns whiping his mouth.)
Oh my, I never knew somesink could turn me off chocolate!
Chocolate?
Zat iz chocolate, no?
No, that there he's drinking is vital fluid!
Oh, zat's okay, I sought he was doing somesink disgusting.
Oh yeah, stuff like that doesn't deter French people, you guys don't even take baths!
We do, you are sinking of zee English zere!
Um, well, we're left with Alex Wood throwing up over ringside and TBK takes his chance. He lifts up Alex Wood so he can see Pres K, and Al faints.
He drops dee fainted carcass on dee floor and den climbs out of dee cage.
He's nearly out and there you have it folks. Under extreme circumstances we have a new FCoGW Alliance Hero.
Here's your winner and new Facical Confederacy of Gimmick Wrestlers Alliance Hero, the Bullseye Kid!
I never suspected zat to 'appen!
No-one did, so dere we have it, and dat's all, I'm Sheesh Kebab.
I am zee one and only Jean-Pierre!
And I am Dr. Zeus Xavier saying thanks for being a part of FCoGW history, and who the f@#k is gonna clean this mess.